Seriously- You Want it Now?

This day started out awful. An epic Bad Mommy day!

 I was up all night comforting our colicky baby who finally fell asleep around 3am. After catching a mere 3 hours of sleep, I woke up to find our 5 year old had a fever and upset stomach. I put her back to bed saying no "Kindergarten today", but not before rushing her to the toilet where she "almost" made it.

By "almost" I mean, she got to the bathroom, but projectile vomited on the side of my head before we turned her mouth toward the bowl. I don't know about you, but 9 times out of 10, if they get sick and I catch a whiff of it, I get sick too. This was no exception. Especially since it was now clinging to my left ear and face.

 And did I mention we ate chili with beans for dinner?  Yeah, I can't make this stuff up people. It was bad.

 After cleaning up the bathroom, I headed upstairs to jump in the shower and rinse off the God-awful stink emanating from my hair and clothes. I also wanted to brush my teeth.

I hadn't made it two steps before I met eyes with my husband coming out of the bedroom. He saw me tossing my clothes in the laundry basket standing there "au natural."

And I kid you not- he thought to himself- "looks like as good a time as any."

Now here I am, buck-naked, haven't yet showered, haven't shaved in three days, haven't brushed my teeth yet, have throw up in my hair and bags under my eyes...and did I mention I have throw up in my hair?

What is it about Men when it comes to morning sex? Did he even look at me? Do I simply function as a vending machine with an "Insert Here" sign that only he can see that must hang invisibly below my waistline.

As he walked over to me, I gave him the "look."

 You know the one, the one that screams, "Are you kidding me- You want sex now?"

 We've all cast that glare. It clearly says, "Not in a milliion friggin years am I even the slightest bit turned on right now."

 And you know what? He didn't even notice.

He strolls on over like he's Brad Pitt or something, waving his pride and joy (well, not really waving it- but  bouncing it a bit) and gives me an eyebrow raise that implies, " I got this."

I can't make this stuff up.

I swear he must have heard Marvin Gaye in his mind because he was humming "Let's  get it on" as he swaggered over to me.

When he got close enough to actually kiss me, I turned my head (the side with throw-up still caked in my hair) to the left so he could see it. 

He did not.

But he did smell it.

And do you know what he said to me?

"Whoa babe... I love you, but I got to tell you, after we make love, you really might want to think about a shower." He then clicked his tongue, like he was doing me a favor and said, " But don't worry... you still do it for me."

That was his way of complimenting me... I think. 

Did I seriously marry someone that gross? Did I reproduce with someone who can't see the puke stuck to the side of my ear?

I flicked a bean at him as I looked at him disgustedly.

"Really? You want it now? Do you not see this? Pey was sick, I'm wearing it. That's what you smell."

He wrinkled his nose a bit and said- "Oh I thought it was an earring."

"AGGHHHHH, How could you even think I'd lay down on clean sheets like this? Gross! Seriously- I can't believe you! Get out of my way and go to work!" I screamed.

He finally had the decency to look sheepish and "Mr.Happy" stopped bouncing around.

I jumped in the shower and he left for work.

It is now 4pm and I've received 3 apology texts from him and he called his mom to come over tonight to watch the kids so he can take me out to dinner.

I guess it's not all bad.

 I even ordered myself a new pair of yellow panties. They sell them online and it has a cute little arrow that points downward and reads, "INSERT HERE." Now there's your sign.

If I'm wearing those, then clearly I'm in the mood. Otherwise- please check for other signs that you better back off!