Laughter is the best Medicine- Church Bulletins that will crack you up!

This  was too funny not to share with my fellow friends. I hope you'll get as big a kick out of these actual misprints as I did.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies
with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the
back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

2nd book in Little Luke Series now available- For Free Download!

Well, I'm excited to announce that my 2nd book in the Little Luke Series is up and running full steam ahead. I listed it on Smashwords on Friday, and by Monday night, already 50 copies had been downloaded. I even got my first review, and thankfully it was very positive.

I hope you'll enjoy reading my Christian kids books from an 8 year old's perspective as he talks to Jesus. The topics range from light-hearted humor, to the really tough questions our children face in today's society.

Thank you for following my Mommystress blog. Feel free to download my free book- available on any e-reader or kindle or pc format.

Copy and Paste the link below into your browser and it will take you right to the sight where you can download this book for free.

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/84279

http://cache.smashwire.com/bookCovers/e0f821e18d85a6b05284b127e9fa39c41341424f

My first book in the Little Luke Series is up on Kindle!

Well I'm so excited to finally be able to put the link to my new Kindle Book here.

http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Cant-Animals-Talk-ebook/dp/B005DUY94K

This is a children's book I wrote while pregnant with my very first child. I was looking for good Biblically-based children's books to build a library for her so that when she was old enough, we could read together. I was surprised to find there wasn't a lot of published books for young kids that had positive messages and content directing them to Jesus. It was then that I decided to just write my own and share them with her as she got older.

Fast forward 7 years and she now reads this book on my Kindle. It was easy to load it up to Kindle on Amazon, but I'm still working with an illustrator to get the other pages ready before having it made into a "real" book to put in stores and in the hands of family and friends. 

Please pray for my success in this, as its not to be a money maker-(Believe me, of the 99 cent purchase price, I only make 35 cents). 

But the reason I'm promoting these books is not to get rich, but to provide parents other options. I believe there are very few resources out there for Christian parents. There are tons of best selling books on Spongebob, Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montanta that may be cute and fun but these aren't exactly the type of Morals I want my child reading about. 

Today's "pop culture" permeates every facet of our youth through commercials, songs, television shows and even their clothing, book bags and lunchboxes.  Some of these "reality" shows and "cartoons" provide a culture that is the extreme opposite of what my family accepts and embraces. So what's a mom to do?  I wasn't about to give up TV, turn off the radio, or move to the Amish Country. And yet....I wanted to follow the Lord's prompting and create answers to my little one's questions that would align with the teachings of Jesus. That is what my Little Luke Series is about.

So if you've ever had one of your children look at you innocently and ask a simple question which deserves a much "harder" answer, I hope you'll consider the Little Luke Series as a resource. 

But please don't misunderstand me. I'm no expert. I'm just a Christian Mom trying to help my kids through this thing called life. As much as I'd like to think my degree in Sociology and my past experience working in Child Protective Services gave me fresh insight, it didn't. If anything, it clouded my judgment. That knowledge made me more callous and less understanding to the ways of the world and the people in it, and it frightened me when I thought about what the future may hold for my children.

Only the TRUTH, as written in the BIBLE could provide the answers I needed when my girls began asking the "tough questions." So whenever they asked about death, or homosexuality, or race or divorce I consulted the words of Jesus. Once Peyton started Kindergarten, more questions came, about the stuff they started learning in school. We discussed why radical Muslims hated Christians on the anniversary of September 11th. Last year when the news broke about Bin Laden we discussed that, and just this month how a mom could kill little Caylee Anthony.

Don't assume that your kids don't hear the news or get exposed to current events in the school playground. They are little sponges and many times, it takes a parent prompting them to find out what they think and know is the truth.

Don't let the outside world influence their opinions, when you have that God-given right to lead them. I had to go to the Bible for answers. 

Children today face many more questions than we did growing up. Our world seems to be experiencing events that would make anyone nervous. Imagine you are only 5, 8, or even 13 trying to figure it all out. Parents need to be able to address concerns in a context that makes them feel safe, loved and not scared to live in the world today.

Let's face it, as morals in our country and around the world decline, a guiding positive force is needed more than ever. My light, my answer is Jesus. I want my children to grow up knowing him, and feeling that He is their very best friend. That is what Luke has in these stories- he knows he can talk to Jesus, his Best Friend, about anything. He won't be embarrassed to ask, or upset with the answers. Because he understands that Jesus would never lie, and only wants the best for him.

Well, in wrapping up, I'm so sorry for the length. I didn't really intend to witness like that, but hey, it's my blog and sometimes the good Lord says, " Go with it Girl". Hopefully, either despite it or because of my convictions, you'll continue to follow Mommystress!

In closing, many more books are to follow. All the stories are dealing with how Jesus would answer real-life questions from a typical 8 year old in today's western world. Some of the future titles you'll be seeing are- 

"Jesus, why doesn't Sara's daddy live with her anymore?" (story about Divorce).

"Jesus, why does Justin keep picking on me?"-(Story about Bullying).  

"Jesus, how can Ava have two mommies? (Story about homosexuality). 

"Jesus, Dre's skin is different than mine, Why?" (Story on race) 

Jesus, Why did you let Grandma get sick and die? (Story on Death/Heaven), 

"Jesus, should I let Mary copy my test?"( Story on Cheating),

"Jesus, Why do Mommy and Daddy need another kid?" (Story on Adoption).

These are just a few of the Titles that will be loaded up soon. I hope you'll enjoy them and share along with your kids. Each book is written so that a typical 2nd-3rd grader can read it by themselves. Each story has a Bible Verse quoted at the end that ties the story together.

Thank you for reading and feel free to share feedback and helpful criticism that would make these books even better.

Blessings,

Tammy Fitzherbert

Keeping You Abreast of Things

     Mammogram Mayhem

I received this funny email about a woman having a mammogram. It was simply too funny not to copy and paste to my blog. I think all women over the age of 35 can appreciate this story. Enjoy:

While conducting some business at the Court House one morning, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say,  "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."  

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."  I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story: 

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.  I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda!  All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" 

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This  ain't rocket science." 
  
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. 

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm… Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" 
  
Fine, I answered. 

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?  My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! 

Complete darkness, the power was off! 

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."  Then she headed for the door.  

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. 

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.  I'll be right back." 

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and  Earl, "maintenance men extraordinaire" found me ... half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! 

After exchanging a polite 'Hi, how's it going?'  type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.  

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." 

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. 

Two hours later - yes, I said 'two hours later' - Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.  Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!  The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch.  Are we upset?" 

"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how  her head ended up between the clamps...." 

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!